hello i am writing in freaking obsidian because i have not figured out how to code the blog site to look good also because i have an exam in two days (saturday :(((( evilll evil university) and i should be studying for that. but no i am learning html. but it is making me happy :) so i think it is a good thing
i dont think anyone is going to find this. and if they do, i'm not convinced you're real unless you are someone i physically know, so i won't really care anyway. ummmm yes. therapist said i should write down things that happened, i started writing in a journal (which is super big btw i used to rip pages up and burn them if i wrote anything remotely me-related when i was a kid, i think genuinely the only reason i can write in this one is cuz its a stupid spiderman one with a lock and that kind of. gives me a false sense of security in two ways? 1. its got a lock on it. 2. it doesn't look serious, so when i write serious things in it, it just feels like a joke anyway, so i don't have the same inhibitions as i do when i've tried journaling all those other times.) long ass parentheses. but i should start with good things! grateful things! which are...
...fuck i forgot. it's really hard to do this sort of thing. i feel like my memories only come when its irrelevant, i cant hold a day in my head and be able to bring it up at the same time. i guess i can say that making the website is quite good, i've actually relieved so much stress that i ! actually ! slept ! last night. also because i brought my dog and forced him to stay with me instead of letting him sleep with my parents. pets are actually quite a relaxing thing to hold on to. i guess im grateful for the good sleep i had. but i don't think i handled it quite well. This past week my mums been walking me in the morning cuz i guess im sad lol and she wanted to fix that the only way she knew how, but today since i actually slept for the first time in quite a while, i wanted to hold onto that and skipped the walk to fucking rot in bed. i shouldnt speak like that to myself. i **had the thought** that i was a loser because i skipped walking to stay in bed. i didn't end up napping. i just sorta rot there, doing nothing but think. dont let me do that!!!! my thinking is infected by this evil force!!!!! (i call him dave) (fuck off dave) (sorry if ur name is dave btw)
what else happened today. im slowly running out of content to go through in regards to studying for aforementioned saturday exam... which is stressing me out because i am NOT understanding this vector calculus thingy! or more, i do understand it, i just cannot for the life of me figure out which X to apply to which Y, since there's just so many damn things to choose from! it's overwhelming even just practicing, so im quite anxious im gonna flub it all off in the exam... but who cares. ive only got one option, time doesn't slow for anybody. le sigh we cringe on, even.
ive been studying this entire past week (actually a fair bit longer than that haha) with the non-stop barrage of deltarune theory videos playing in the background, so far that it is infecting the way I think lol. I'm very very grateful for deltarune (in seven) tomorrow. tbh the only thing that pushed me onto this was noelles blogpost thing
omg lol i went looking for the noelle blog to link it and accidentally got so sidetracked lmao. i got friended!! so cool :D but i didnt remember my score ;-; great game im so psyched for the next chapter even if it does reveal that asgore is a secret weaboo... white ass goat dad saying *dess* wa doko *dess* ka! to toriel as a stupid pun to try and get his wife back from the sans, further sending the entire town into mourning over the loss of a teenage child. toby fox truly gets me. ah yes. i am truly grateful for divorced married couples and yuri. thats a big thing i (and i suspect mr fox himself) am very grateful for. OH and my 3ds big fan of 3ds pookie specifically rhythm heaven. i should give my 3ds a name. maybe 9? cuz its on godmode9 lol.
things i have noticed (about myself or the world around me) *said in an OBJECTIVE tone. this is very important* > my dad seems to be understanding of my situation? i think in the past when i was going through depressive episodes he kind of treated it as a "just stop worrying so much! this is something you're doing by constantly thinking about things that don't matter" but now its a "she's going through a lot... but she's still trying to be present with us." so its weirdly more comfortable to be around him than my mum lol > im very different off and on meds... but i can't figure out which one is worse. like without meds probably should take the cake, but when i'm like that i kind of get so overwhelmed by the emotions that i just turn them off fully, and go through my day in a nothingness haze. it's like the kind of feeling where < after everything you do, there's just another tomorrow and that's how it will always be > type of dread, whereas when i'm actually on my meds, i can feel just how deep my pain is with everything I do, but at least i'm aware of it. i.e. ignorance is bliss i guess, but it's not worth it to do nothing with myself and waste my life away > i still haven't gained my appetite back... ;-; i feel bad about not eating cuz my parents get worried but i really just cant bring myself to do that > why is this so venty lol. wait objective mode. I am using this website as an outlet of my emotions (this is generally considered a good thing! at least better than bottling it up)
wait break the noticed thing, i should talk about that more. ive really never had an outlet for my emotions before!!!! like ever!!! obviously i like to draw, but i dont think i've ever drawn anything that even could be remotely linked to me or anything i'm going through. or when i do, i immediately scribble it and throw it out from some weird all-encompassing guilt about it. I guess i just never really knew that other people even have outlets of their emotions, since thats usually done by talking to someone and i've never really felt comfortable with a someone before (before my lovely friends!!!!). at least not enough to learn that you're supposed to let these things out. i kind of... always thought that was a thing made up for american tv... lol.... ^^; at least i learnt how to do it at some age! and can make use of this crazy 100wpm i've been holding onto for absolutely no reason! so thank you, website! again!
> i have noticed that i am very sleepy right now, so i will be promptly switching off my devices and reading a book after i take a melatonin pill. im trying so hard with this sleeping thing guys please be proud of me. it is NOT easy to get me to do a night routine but at this point im really desperate for it.
plan for tomorrow: do all the rest of the practice questions for the final exam, and revise over all the notes one final time! and if future me is seeing this, good luck on your exam! you'll do well i know it :) goodnight !!!!